Sunday, August 30, 2009

ramble ramble ramble.

So lately one of my lesbian friends, has been having some serious sexuality issues. She has this guy friend that is currently living with his ex who just so happens to be his babies mama. (drama? oh you bet)

Well, he admitted to her a few weeks ago which we all know in the gay community means about a week and a half at the most haha. But seriously, So he tells her he's in love with her! Now she has been a lesbian for quite sometime, and she told him hey, I'm not into guys, Im all about my ladies.

Well now she's having second thoughts. Apparently, they connect on a level that she hasn't connected with anyone on for a long time. She has a slight (emphasis on slight) amount of feelings for him, but she's just not sure what she's going to do.

This brings me to the issue that popped into my head. I went through the same thing last year. Except i was in love with my lesbian best friend (just an fyi Im not the guy that's in love with this girl lol) but i was head over heels in love with this girl but she was a lesbian so i know that things can get confusing in the gay world.

what im trying to say is, though we're gay at times we fall for people that wa have that connection with the problem is it's not always a two way thing. For me it was a me loving her her loving me as a friend. And for my current friend that's haveing this issue he's in love with her but she's just simply not sure.

Can someone tell me why this life, by this life i don't mean gay life i mean life in general, is so confusing. We feel for years we know who we are and then someone comes along and boom we're so lost and confused. and in my defense the lesbian i was in love with, i wasn't in love with her, i wsa in love witht the type of person she was and her persona. not her person. I think that's what my home girl is going through. but who knows, if anyone has any idea please feel free to help me out here.

Monday, August 24, 2009

the loss of a friend and the growth of a life

Life is like a painting,
We feel we have completed everything,
then we realize theirs still work to be done.

This last year of my life has been the year that helped me grow the most. I made the move of 1,298 miles away from my family, I met amazing and amazingly shitty people. I found which friends were actually there for me and which friends were only there for themselves.

I think back over this year and I try and see where things between me and others in my life got all jumbled up and confusing. I try and be the best person for myself and others, i think that by doing that I only end up messing up my own life, and enabling others in theirs. People say "Nice guys finish last." and i never really knew what that meant til this year. It doesn't mean to be a complete and utter ass hole, it means be nice but to a point.

There's a line between, nice and overly caring. That line is and always will be easily crossed. But I'm working to change that. A friend of mine and I had been friends for a little over 5 years, i thought we'd be friends for ever only because i had heard that, " The friends you make in high school will be with you for the rest of your life." Now in some ways that is true they just don't tell you that they might not always be in your life as a good part of it.

Anyway, Me and this friend shared everything our secrets, our past experiences, our hopes, our dreams. One day they got kicked out of there house, I was living with a few roommates and offered them temporary housing with me. What started out as temporary housing turned into another roommate. I figured, "Hey this will be great I'll have my best friend here and we can figure out what will come next in our lives." But as you know all good things must come to an end.

I helped this friend for 4 almost 5 months, I paid for clothes, gas, food, everything. I found them a job, i trusted them with more than i had ever trusted with them before in my life, but i continued to help. After a while and a few unfriendly instances, I decided the best decision for me was to move back home to my parents, and start planning my education and career goals. I offered for that friend to come with me and I'd pay for the plane ticket. The week and a half that they were there, it was like we were back in high school reminiscing of our years of friendship and saying we'd always be there for each other.

When they went back home, and i was the 1,298 miles away, they left me. I called and would ask how they were doing, and they wouldn't really care or even ask me how i was. I ended up getting into a relationship with the guy I'm moving in with. And that seemed to be the point where our friendship ended. I had been hurt many times in my past by this friend and I Hadn't gotten past any of it, only because in some way the issues that were there were always my fault. It began to hurt me and eat at me, the way an infectious disease eats at your blood cells and tries to destroy you.

Finally i gave up and told them I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't continue this facade of a friendship, that the people i had only known for a matter of 6 months cared more for me than that friend did. I felt horrible for saying everything i had said but, i wasn't sorry. I was only sorry for the fact that our friendship ended on such bad terms.

Life has taught me that every day, every second, every breath is a gift. And we can't and shouldn't let a few bad days take that from us. I will admit that my life isn't and never will be the same but like they say "that is life".

The only thing i can say now is, I'm sorry if I've ever done anything to hurt you or make you feel as if i never cared. This last year should have shown you that that wasn't the case at all. I know that you will never read this, and that you hate me like you have never hated anyone before, but I am sorry. If i could go back and change things i would and i would never have helped you move in with me. I feel that that was one of the biggest mistakes of our friendship.

I don't mean that in a mean or hurtful way i just mean that we were great when we were living apart and we were great when we just hung out. But we each brought something bad out in the other person. we each made the other into something they weren't. I hope that one day our paths will cross again even if it's only a random run in. I know our friendship will never be the way it was and i know that we can never go back to change anything. but I'm sorry for anything i might have done to hurt you back then. And i hope one day you can forgive me for that.

life is life, it's hard, painful, full of loss, and at times unbearable. But if we just take joy in everything we do have then things seem to get easier and things seem to get better.

Peace + Love.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

latest dream

So Like i said my dreams are weird this ones not too bad but it still weirded me out.

It started with my and my cousin, I asked her to come with me to the bank to cash my check. As we were leaving we heard some guys following us. I knew right away there was danger and told her to hurry and that we needed to get out of there. We headed into a cabin, and we met two guys there, one was with the group of guys that was after us. He said, " look I'm not after your family they have nothing to do with this, I'm not going to go after your family." i tried asking him what he meant and he said, " look you need to get out of here there almost here there coming right now, you need to go." we left and as we did i looked behind me and saw a wall, on the wall was a pair of red eyes, they were painted on the wall but seemed so real.

We headed towards the road and we came up to a star well that led up and two stair wells that went down. We heard something behind us and i told my cousin to hurry and that we needed to run. We began to run down the right stair well and came to a corridor and on either side of us were doors marked men and woman's like bathrooms. and on the wall in the bathrooms were different symbols. We began to hear things in the rest rooms as we pass them, my cousin stopped and got close to one of the restrooms and said, "wait i hear something" I told here i knew and that it was them and we had to go. I began to walk away and when i looked back she was gone.

From there i draw a blank on what happened until near the end of my dream. I was in a coffee shop with my mom, my dad, and my little brother. A man and a woman walked in and sat at the counter for a moment. the lady was taller, and wider, with curly red hair. She was wearing a blue dress with flowers all over it. And the man was dressed in jeans and a blue t shirt. The lady got up and and began to walk out. she tripped and fell outside the window and my dad stood up and said he was going to check on her. I told him not to go because she was with the guys that were after us the night before. but he went and he never came back. The guy got up and left the coffee shop but forgot his phone on the table. My brother stood up and grabbed the guys phone and said he was gonna give it to him. Just like before i told him not to cause he was with the group too but he said he wasn't and went anyway. He didn't come back either. The it was just me and my mom and she was asking why i didn't stop them. I didn't have an answer for her and I began to cry i told her, "I never even got to know dad, All i knew of him was that he was a liar and thief and a cheater! And they took my little brother! what are we going to do?" she said, "well your dad shouldn't have left it's his own fault he's gone right now. He knew this was going to happen." she continued with, " Don't worry about him it's over."

I woke up after that into a panic attack, I haven't had a panic attack since i was 16. I'm now 19. i should tell you that my dad is here in our lives he hasn't left. I'm trying to figure this dream out but it's really difficult cause it was SO confusing. if you have any clue please fill me in. thanks!


Hey there all you Internet folks. My name is Roy, I have created this blog for all sorts of reasons; Random rants, information, just about anything i feel is necessary for that specific point in time. I'd like to start by saying most of my post will probably be the dreams i have, there weird and i'd like your advice for anything that i dream about. Well I hope you enjoy what you read here and any link i might post.