the loss of a friend and the growth of a life

Life is like a painting,
We feel we have completed everything,
then we realize theirs still work to be done.

This last year of my life has been the year that helped me grow the most. I made the move of 1,298 miles away from my family, I met amazing and amazingly shitty people. I found which friends were actually there for me and which friends were only there for themselves.

I think back over this year and I try and see where things between me and others in my life got all jumbled up and confusing. I try and be the best person for myself and others, i think that by doing that I only end up messing up my own life, and enabling others in theirs. People say "Nice guys finish last." and i never really knew what that meant til this year. It doesn't mean to be a complete and utter ass hole, it means be nice but to a point.

There's a line between, nice and overly caring. That line is and always will be easily crossed. But I'm working to change that. A friend of mine and I had been friends for a little over 5 years, i thought we'd be friends for ever only because i had heard that, " The friends you make in high school will be with you for the rest of your life." Now in some ways that is true they just don't tell you that they might not always be in your life as a good part of it.

Anyway, Me and this friend shared everything our secrets, our past experiences, our hopes, our dreams. One day they got kicked out of there house, I was living with a few roommates and offered them temporary housing with me. What started out as temporary housing turned into another roommate. I figured, "Hey this will be great I'll have my best friend here and we can figure out what will come next in our lives." But as you know all good things must come to an end.

I helped this friend for 4 almost 5 months, I paid for clothes, gas, food, everything. I found them a job, i trusted them with more than i had ever trusted with them before in my life, but i continued to help. After a while and a few unfriendly instances, I decided the best decision for me was to move back home to my parents, and start planning my education and career goals. I offered for that friend to come with me and I'd pay for the plane ticket. The week and a half that they were there, it was like we were back in high school reminiscing of our years of friendship and saying we'd always be there for each other.

When they went back home, and i was the 1,298 miles away, they left me. I called and would ask how they were doing, and they wouldn't really care or even ask me how i was. I ended up getting into a relationship with the guy I'm moving in with. And that seemed to be the point where our friendship ended. I had been hurt many times in my past by this friend and I Hadn't gotten past any of it, only because in some way the issues that were there were always my fault. It began to hurt me and eat at me, the way an infectious disease eats at your blood cells and tries to destroy you.

Finally i gave up and told them I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't continue this facade of a friendship, that the people i had only known for a matter of 6 months cared more for me than that friend did. I felt horrible for saying everything i had said but, i wasn't sorry. I was only sorry for the fact that our friendship ended on such bad terms.

Life has taught me that every day, every second, every breath is a gift. And we can't and shouldn't let a few bad days take that from us. I will admit that my life isn't and never will be the same but like they say "that is life".

The only thing i can say now is, I'm sorry if I've ever done anything to hurt you or make you feel as if i never cared. This last year should have shown you that that wasn't the case at all. I know that you will never read this, and that you hate me like you have never hated anyone before, but I am sorry. If i could go back and change things i would and i would never have helped you move in with me. I feel that that was one of the biggest mistakes of our friendship.

I don't mean that in a mean or hurtful way i just mean that we were great when we were living apart and we were great when we just hung out. But we each brought something bad out in the other person. we each made the other into something they weren't. I hope that one day our paths will cross again even if it's only a random run in. I know our friendship will never be the way it was and i know that we can never go back to change anything. but I'm sorry for anything i might have done to hurt you back then. And i hope one day you can forgive me for that.

life is life, it's hard, painful, full of loss, and at times unbearable. But if we just take joy in everything we do have then things seem to get easier and things seem to get better.

Peace + Love.